Being a Scary Mommy

Jill over at Scary Mommy is having a search for scary mommies....

I'm a scary mommy.

Why do I say that? Well, if you define a scary mommy as someone who doesn't do everything they are 'supposed' to do, then I fit the bill. It isn't that I lack some sort of knowledge of what the world expects.

We all have that little voice inside that says- "don't tell anybody about this, or you will be judged". That is all you need, a little voice says that, and you know you are a scary mom.

I was talking to a friend the other day and I didn't hesistate to talk about my kids' messed up bedtimes because I have told her this before, and she said to me- "Some people would judge you for that". Which made me realize something.
She judges me for it.

It's funny, I didn't expect it from her. I also know that she doesn't think that it is a really really bad thing, but the fact that she thinks other people do, means that in her mind, I am not living up to the expectations of a mom.

Yes, my kids bedtimes are messed up. Well, my almost 4 yr old son stays up until 11:00 most nights. There you go, judge me all you want. It will make you feel better about your own problems.

Hey, at least I know that somewhere out there is a mom who still has more than one child sleeping in the bed with she and her husband and she doesn't know what to do about it!
At least our son is sleeping in his room! (Doesn't it make you feel a little better when you hear someone else is doing worse than you? lol ...terrible isn't it?)

Now, my daughter (18 months old) goes to bed the second we put her in her bed and sleeps wonderfully until morning. So at least I do know a little about good bedtimes. But my son is a different story. He was first, he slept in our bed with us until he was 10 months old. He has always had lengthy time with us every night before bedtime. That explains only some of the trouble...
..... we also sleep late. *Gasp!!! *

Yes, we sleep late because I am pregnant and I wake up in the middle of the night and sit awake for hours, then I go back to sleep about daybreak and sleep until the kids get up, which is around 10:00

Horrible, I know!
I wish I could just say. I don't care, it is our life and it works for us!
But I do care. I hate to even admit it here. I am determined to change things to a more normal routine when I am no longer pregnant. That is my plan. Maybe even sooner.

But the scarriest part is this- This is not the only reason I am a scary mom.

The reasons go on and on-

* I don't do laundry until every one is out of clean clothes... sometimes a couple of days after that.
*Though I seem to wash dishes every day, my kitchen always looks like a disaster area.
*There are toys all over my living room floor all the time. (In my defense, I pick them up and then return within the hour, and I am now to the stage in my pregnancy that I can't bend over anymore, so I just kick them aside!)
*I don't make breakfast, I just hand out poptarts or eggos or cookies (yes cookies for breakfast) as my kids ask for them.
* there are more reasons and I am not putting them, because I too have a highly developed sense of what should and should not be done as a mom.

I was just thinking this week of the over abundance of guilt that comes with being a Mom.
Some of it is good. Guilt makes us accountable sometimes.
Some of it is bad. We heap rules and regulations on top of our own shoulders. Then there we are... the mom who has it all together (or at least appears to) and the mom who can't seem to make it come together... both of us ... walking around with the same big heap of guilt on our shoulders.

But it beats the alternative. There are some moms who just don't care. And I am definitely not one of those moms. My mom was one of those, I will admit it right now. She dumped her baby onto her parents to raise and then went on about her life with no sense of guilt at all.
Now, that is a scary mom.

I love my children. I love being a mom. I don't care how much guilt it comes with. I don't care how behind I feel. I know that when I am through being pregnant things will get better then I will begin Homeschooling and everything will get hectic again, but the point is, I wouldn't change my job for anything in the world and I will keep trying to do better and most of all, I will love my kids and play with them and encourage them and be a big mess while doing it.

Maybe that isn't so scary after all.